Setting: A dimly lit comedy club, the “Sazan Chuckle Hut,” located on the remote Sazan Island. The stage is adorned with a miniature submarine and a sign that reads, “Welcome to the Astroid Shelters Stand-Up Night!”
Comedian: Lutfi the Albanian Realtor (wearing a flashy suit and a fake mustache)
Lutfi: (grabs the mic) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Sazan Chuckle Hut! I’m Lutfi, your favorite Albanian real estate salesman. You know, I’ve sold more bunkers than there are vowels in my name! But tonight, we’re not talking about regular bunkers. No, no! We’re diving deep—literally—into the world of luxury astroid shelters!
Audience: (applause)
Lutfi: So, let’s talk about our esteemed guests. We’ve got Ivanka Trump, looking fabulous as always. Ivanka, darling, I’ve got a prime astroid shelter with gold-plated oxygen tanks just for you. It’s called “The Trump Tower Under the Stars.” You’ll have the best view of the apocalypse, believe me!
Ivanka: (smiling) Thank you, Lutfi. I’ve always wanted a shelter with a view.
Lutfi: And there’s Bill Gates! Bill, my man, I’ve got a shelter for you that runs on Windows 95. It’s called “The Gates of Opportunity.” Just imagine, when the world ends, you’ll be the only one with a blue screen of death in your panic room!
Bill Gates: (laughs) Lutfi, you’re a genius. Can it run Solitaire too?
Lutfi: Now, let’s talk about Mark Zuckerberg. Mark, buddy, I’ve got a shelter just for you. It’s called “The Social Distancing Bunker.” It’s got Wi-Fi, but the catch is—you can only connect with people who’ve poked you in real life. And yes, the walls have eyes. Facebook-style!
Mark Zuckerberg: (nervous chuckle) Uh, sounds… intriguing.
Lutfi: And finally, the man of the hour—Jared Kushner! Jared, my friend, I’ve got something special for you. It’s called “The Submarine Suite.” It’s underwater, of course. You’ll have your own private submarine parked right outside your shelter. Perfect for those clandestine meetings with mermaids and Russian oligarchs.
Jared Kushner: (whispers to Ivanka) Honey, did we really need a submarine?
Ivanka: (whispers back) Shh, it’s all part of the experience!
Lutfi: Now, folks, let’s get real. These astroid shelters are so luxurious, they come with their own problems. Like, how do you split the Wi-Fi password during the apocalypse? And what if the minibar runs out of champagne? Priorities, people!
Audience: (laughter)
Lutfi: In conclusion, my friends, remember this: When the world ends, it won’t matter if your shelter has a helipad or a bowling alley. What matters is who you’re stuck with. So, choose wisely. And if you need a real estate agent, just look for the guy with the mustache and the accent. That’s me—Lutfi, the bunker broker!
Audience: (standing ovation)
(Lutfi takes a bow, winks at Ivanka, and exits the stage)
End of Act 1.
Disclaimer: The Sazan Chuckle Hut and its astroid shelters are purely fictional. Any resemblance to real-life events or personalities is purely coincidental. No billionaires were harmed in the making of this comedy routine.
[Note: If you enjoyed this act, stay tuned for Act 2, where Lutfi accidentally activates the submarine and takes the audience on an unexpected underwater tour!]
Title: “The Astroid Shelters Stand-Up: Act 2 - The Vatican Connection”
Setting: The same dimly lit comedy club, the “Sazan Chuckle Hut.” The audience is buzzing with anticipation.
Comedian: Lutfi the Albanian Realtor (returns to the stage, adjusting his fake mustache)
Lutfi: (grabs the mic) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back! Now, Act 2—the Vatican Connection! You thought astroid shelters were wild? Buckle up, because we’re diving deeper than Jared Kushner’s submarine!
Audience: (leaning forward)
Lutfi: So, picture this: The Vatican, that holy city-state, with its Pope, cardinals, and Swiss Guards. They’ve got their fancy robes, gold crosses, and secret archives. But guess what? Beneath St. Peter’s Basilica, there’s a tunnel. A tunnel that leads straight to Sazan Island! Yes, you heard me right. The Pope’s got a secret escape route.
Audience: (whispers) “No way!”
Lutfi: Now, Pope Francis, he’s a cool guy. He’s all about compassion, humility, and saving souls. But when it comes to the apocalypse, even he needs a backup plan. So, he’s got a luxury condo waiting for him on Sazan. It’s called “The Papal Suite.” Marble floors, stained glass windows, and a confessional booth that doubles as a panic room.
Pope Francis: (in the audience, chuckling) Lutfi, my son, you have quite the imagination!
Lutfi: And the Swiss Guards? Oh, they’re not just guarding the Pope—they’re guarding the tunnel entrance! Imagine their uniforms—red, yellow, and white stripes, like human candy canes. They’ve got halberds, but also snorkels. You know, just in case the tunnel floods.
Swiss Guard: (pretending to swim) “Aye, Captain! Tunnel breach!”
Lutfi: But wait, there’s more! The Vatican’s subsidizing these condos. They’ve got a marketing slogan: “When Judgment Day arrives, choose divine real estate!” And the brochures? Oh, they’re something. “Blessed Views,” “Saintly Saunas,” and “Holy Helipads.”
Audience: (laughing)
Lutfi: Now, let’s talk about the neighbors. Ivanka’s sipping champagne, Bill Gates is rebooting his shelter’s operating system, and Mark Zuckerberg? Well, he’s trying to “like” the end of the world. But the Pope? He’s blessing the whole island. Holy water sprinklers, my friends!
Pope Francis: (waving) “Benedicat vos omnipotens Deus!”
Lutfi: And remember, folks, these astroid shelters aren’t just for the rich and famous. We’ve got options for everyone. “The Confessional Closet” for repentant sinners, “The Choir Loft” for harmonious survival, and “The Purgatory Penthouse” for those who can’t decide.
Audience: (applause)
Lutfi: In conclusion, my fellow apocalypse enthusiasts, whether you’re a billionaire, a pontiff, or just a regular Joe, Sazan Island welcomes you. Because when the world ends, we’ll all be in the same boat—well, submarine, technically.
Audience: (standing ovation)
(Lutfi takes a final bow, winks at Pope Francis, and exits the stage)
End of Act 2.
Disclaimer: The Vatican-Sazan tunnel is purely fictional. Any resemblance to actual religious institutions or their escape plans is purely coincidental. No holy relics were harmed in the making of this comedy routine.
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